


Things Have Changed for Me

by PeacefulOblivion



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Bonding, F/F, Heavy Angst, Literally so much angst, More angst, So much angst, fluff?, kinda fluffy though, regeneration angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 17:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11628075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeacefulOblivion/pseuds/PeacefulOblivion
Summary: As it turns out, trying to hold in regeneration energy for over a week isn't a good idea, especially when you finally lose control inside of the TARDIS, causing her to almost completely fall apart, with you still in it.River was supposed to be dead, The Doctor was certain he had spent his last time with her years before. Apparently she was wrong.





	Things Have Changed for Me

He was running out of time. He was running out of time, he was running out of time _hewasrunningoutoftime_ …

The Doctor felt another wave of nausea wash over him as he grabbed the TARDIS control console. He already felt the unmistakable regeneration energy forming, begging to be let out, feeling like it was biting at him if he didn’t give up soon. He’d been holding this back for almost a week, but it could’ve been longer, he hadn’t been really keeping track. The Doctor had been busy with other things, he couldn't regenerate, not right now. He still had so much to do… so much. He couldn't afford to change now, it wasn't feasible. He couldn't do it.

  
He would never admit it, but he was scared, so scared. He hadn't felt like this since two bodies ago, when he wore Converse and had spiky brown hair, and he was young. Not at all like now, with his current form. He wished he was young, wished he had never been cursed by his former self to have this body. He couldn't even run properly with it, much less have people take him seriously. He had been given it to remind himself to save people, and he was trying to do that at the moment, but he couldn't because he couldn't just stay longer, not even a few hours longer. And he hated it with every fiber of his being.

  
The Doctor was losing strength, and fast. His hands gripped the edge of the controls so tightly that his already sickly pale skin was becoming white. A pounding headache plagued him, it had been for a while, and every inch of him hurt. It wasn't just sore, it was pain, pure agony, which was only intensifying the longer he held back. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep this up for much longer, he'd have to give in… he'd have to give up.

  
Another blinding flash of pain, another grunt as he felt his knees nearly buckle. The Doctor didn't even know where he was going, he had set coordinates that for the life of him he couldn't remember, and he knew that TARDIS was no longer following his command. She wouldn't let him go, she'd never let him go. She was trying to save him, even though he was certain that, for once, he was dying. He was finally going to die.

  
Die. What a disgusting and scandalous word for him, for timelords. There wasn't supposed to be an end, especially with him, he didn't know how many more regenerations he had but he had certainly gone beyond the limit. That was, if he even changed. The energy was more likely to just rip him apart at this point, rather than healing him. He was still wondering if he was willing to accept it or not. It would be nice to finally rest, to finally sleep, but there were so many others who needed him, or would need him. But he had failed all of them…

  
Images of past friends, his companions, his lovers appeared in his mind, like some cruel movie. Their names followed along. Rose. Martha. Donna. Jack. Amy. Rory. Clara. Bill. Missy.  
River.

  
No, he'd have to stay alive, he'd have to. What would they think if he just let go, just allowed himself to do what he had most desired for all of his life. If he just stopped running, they would never forgive him, even if they were gone, they wouldn't let him.

  
Damn them.

  
“It's not fair!” He shouted suddenly, he Scottish accent seeming to only intensify the more angry he got. The Doctor brought a fist down onto the control panel. It didn't make it dent, and didn't even scratch the already worn paint, but it did cause him a lot of pain in his right hand and wrist. The TARDIS was remarkably quiet for once, normally she would've been making beeps on her monitors, basically her own way of cursing him out. Not this time, which only further showed how bad his condition was.

  
“...It's not fair,” he murmured weakly, voice becoming slightly choked up as he tried to keep tears from appearing. This was already demeaning enough, he won't need it to become even more so. He felt his hands beginning to heat up, like they had suddenly been submerged in hot water. It could only mean one thing.

  
Without wanting to nor commanding his body to do so, the Doctor staggered away from the center of the TARDIS, sparing a glance at his hands. Sure enough, they were beginning to be surrounded by a familiar golden light. There was no way to stop it now, he was far too weak. He took a deep breath and looked around the TARDIS for the last time, knowing she'd never be the same again after this. The warmth began to wash over him, but it wasn't comforting like it normally was. No, this time it was sickening. He was sickening.  
With one last grunt of pain, the Doctor faced the top of the TARDIS, shutting his eyes for the last time.

  
I don't want to go…

  
A fiery pain running through him, the golden aura surrounding him… And then all he knew was the blackness.

{~}

The Doctor awoke to the sound of a thick British accent. A female one. At first, he didn't fully realize who it belonged to; everything was a mess of swirling colors and sounds and pain, lots of it. This had never happened after a regeneration before and he despised it. It was almost like he was high, except without the brief bliss that was often it's counterpart. This was hell for the senses, not paradise for the mind. He struggled to get up, still not being able to focus on much of anything, until he felt what seemed like a hand on his shoulder. Or, his new shoulder, it felt remarkably different from what he had in his previous form. He blinked repeatedly, trying to get his eyes to focus on the person (or thing) he assumed was in front of him, he could feel their breaths against him. Once again, this was to no avail, and he just closed them, figuring that it was better to be entirely blind than having everything mushed together and incomprehensible. Words randomly bounced around his eardrums, like he was in a tunnel and everything was echoing around him.

  
“Can you move-What happened-Doctor-Listen to-” A sigh. “Hello sweetie.”

_Hello sweetie._

  
That one phrase stood out to him. Memories flashed in his head, only making him feel even more sick to his stomach. No, she shouldn't be here… he shouldn't be there, he hadn't meant to come there. But yet here he was.

  
“Riv-” he started, attempting to say the name of the woman he loved and would always love, before he realized that he… wasn't a he anymore. His voice had sounded feminine, and young. Oh, he-she, was young again. Her eyes shot open, and everything was still blurry, but now she had something to focus on, something that would help her see clearly.

  
“River,” The Doctor murmured, breathless. Oh, her name felt so incredible to say out loud, it seemed even more beautiful than normal. It also appeared that once again, she was English, with a fairly thick West Yorkshire accent. She'd never been particularly fond of them before, but she supposed she'd have to get used to it.

  
Of course, she was unable to fully see River, but she was able to make out a basic shape, mostly just based off of the sandy blonde color that could only be River's hair. And that was enough for the time being.

  
Another sigh, and though she was unable to see it, the Doctor knew that her wife probably had an annoyingly piteous smile on her face. She had never liked to be pitied, yet she knew full well that if there was a time that she looked pathetic and weak, it was now.

  
“Long time no see,” River observed, most likely just trying to lighten the situation for both of their sakes. That's what she was always doing, wasn't it? Watching out for her, helping her, caring for her. Throughout it all she had always stuck by her, even if it was absolutely mental. Then again, it wasn't like River had ever been pushed away from those types of scenarios.

  
The Doctor mustered a small grin, or at least what she assumed might have resembled one. Most likely, it looked more like a grimace, since it is rather challenging to genuinely smile when every inch of your body is extraordinarily sore. Though it hadn't been meant as a way to show emotion, just as a way for River to realize that she could indeed hear her. The Time Lord-Lady, felt a hand on her upper back in addition to the one on her shoulder. It was like the other woman was trying to stabilize her now; had she been swaying? Would she have even known? No, probably not, she still had very little concept of what her new body was doing.

  
“I know you probably don't really want to talk. You don't have to,” River's voice assured her. Yes, she had definitely been swaying, her wife would've assumed that she'd known that and therefore she wouldn't have had to say it. Unless of course, it was just another way to try to help her calm down. The Doctor didn't need help “calming down”, apart from feeling like she had just inhaled every potentially toxic fume on the TARDIS, she was fine. She didn't need to be told all of these things… but they may have helped, just a bit.

  
Damn it, only a few conscious minutes of being female and she'd gone soft.

  
“Where-” The Doctor started only to cut herself off as she did feel herself beginning to slump in River's arms, as the world started spinning once more and she struggled to hold in some bile. Nope, she had no intention of sinking to that level of humiliation just yet, she'd already fallen far enough down the rabbit hole. There was no need to make a portal rip through time and space and then plummet through that as well. In response, she felt River tighten her grasp on her, and soon felt something soft and warm against her face, most likely her wife's shoulder. And on an inhale, she became certain that it was, it was definitely her scent, no doubt about it.

  
“Gender change for the first time isn't a particularly enjoyable experience, I know,” River murmured. This statement slightly confused The Doctor. She had never even considered that River was a man once, she had only ever known her as a woman, the gorgeous, angelic creature that she cared for and loved ever so much. Though she guessed that at one point, River, her River, had been male.

  
Yeah, it really wasn't any easier to comprehend the more she thought about it.

  
“I'm guessing walking is out of the question?” River asked her in a remarkably calm voice, considering how pathetic the other woman must have been seeming. The Doctor should've nodded, should've just admitted what she could and couldn't do and that would've been that, but no, she couldn't be reduced to that level of hopelessness.

  
Instead, she tried her best to stand up, and this backfired. She was barely even an inch of the ground when her knees buckled and she fell back down into her more familiar cross-legged position. And once again, she collapsed into River's shoulder, exhaling slowly in defeat and frustration. She was useless, this new body was useless, she was just a waste of space.

  
“I'm… Sorry…” The Doctor mustered before her eyes started to shut again, a sweet oblivion pulling at her, begging for her to go with it, to join it.

  
“For what?” River questioned, seeming mildly confused and almost taken aback at her phrase. The Doctor even felt her lean away from her a bit so she could look down at her easier.

  
“I'm a bloody idiot.”

  
“Yes, especially when you fight against regenerating for a week,” River muttered, and The Doctor could imagine the annoyed but loving grin on her face this whole time, even though she couldn't see it.

  
This was a comforting image as she felt herself pass out yet again, before River could say anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> First work of mine on here! It's probably absolute garbage, I know, but thank you for reading nevertheless.  
> I'm planning on turning this into a three chapter long story, though it may end up being longer depending on what route I take.  
> The next chapter is in the works currently and is going to be almost completely fluff to make up for the massive amount of angst I am putting 13 through.  
> Hopefully you'll stick around and I'd love to hear your feedback!  
> ~P.o


End file.
